Guilt poem

Guilt for sin only my husband will

Say

I laugh and reply you don’t understand my way.

I feel guilt when I leave grandkids or a place too soon

And guilt when I take too long looking at the moon!


I feel guilt for spending too much time at one child’s place

Thinking well I should be with that one like it’s some kind of race.

And to take a day and do just what I would like  to do?

With no kind of chatter or shoulds blocking my happy view?


Oh my I can’t imagine but I think that sounds divine!

So One day a week I’ll accept no guilt and will feel just fine! 

When I’m shopping at goodwill or wandering in a store

Instead of chiding myself I will smile and look a little more.

If i take too long reading or stay a while more on the couch

I’ll smile and accept myself  for I am happy instead of a grouch! 


For in this world the days we are here seem to flee

And I don’t want to waste any more days pitching guilt at me!! 

So at least one day a week and who knows maybe more??

I’ll enjoy each place my feet are, for feeling guilt is such a chore!! 




 That date 

In the checkout lane at Dot Foods 

The rip-off Calendar said Feb. 15.

My eyes lingered and my thoughts went to Jakob. 

His death date

So many years ago. 

Little did the grocery store clerk know

I was processing feelings

Experiencing some intense emotion 

Just by seeing that date.

It was just an ordinary day for her.

Not for me.

I picked up my groceries and the pieces

Of my broken heart 

and left. 






 Jakob’s stone 


It was all we could afford

A small piece of granite

His dear name engraved

On top 

Birth date

Death date

Mixed with our tears 

And broken hearts.


Love poured into that

Place as our children visited

Letting off white balloons 

On his birthday crying up

At the sky with childish delight.

Hello Jakob!

Happy birthday!

That helped. 

Our hearts healed 

But never completely. 


We brought it home

I grew Tired of sharing with 

A bench

And too huge stone 

Next door.

My peaceful sacred  spot 

Gone. 


So it’s here 

With us

Where it belongs.

Where it all started 

43 years ago. 


Where we can say hello

We love you

We miss you 

And grow flowers 

And keep it clean. 

No more cemetery 

Lawn mowers knocking

The edges 

Wearing it down

This stone of his. 


I love seeing his name

Whenever I want.

Etched in stone 

So strong

So Norwegian

So dear to us.

Bought when we 

Were young and grieving, 

But now it is 

Right here

Just for us 

As it should be. 


And children can play

Nearby 

Like ours used to 

But now 

Nieces and nephews

Hearing stories of this 

Uncle gone so young. 

Maybe we can even 

Send off white balloons.














 This is what can  happen when you travel to or from the Midwest to the west in winter!


Traveling west in March 


So Utah is where we are stuck because Wyoming has snow. 

We tried to leave Thursday, but made no sense then to go. 

For roads were slick, and weather advisories were out, 

We waited till Friday and had fun with mary and Maggie out and about. 


Friday we awoke at 4 AM and could no longer sleep. 

Gentz looked at the map and saw that our routes we couldn’t keep. 

The roads were closed in Wyoming and would let no one through. 

We wondered if we should drive south, stay here, what shall we do? 


Finally, we thought why risk it? Let’s just stay here one more day. 

Johnny and Maggie are welcoming and with Mary we can play.

Gentz went off to the gym to work out and I settled down to write . 

There are worse things than being stuck in Utah – not such a bad plight! 

 Nebraska poem

(written as we drove on I80 from Utah home to Ilinois)


As we drive through this land of my

Ancestors at breakneck speeds in 

Our comfortable car, our only challenge

Is the Eastward rising sun blinding our

Eyes


I look at the wide expansive blue sky and feel

The footprint of them in my heart..

The Markers…

Walsteads…

Wilsons.

So many who survived the harsh landscape,

The dust storms, 

The grasshoppers

And made a life for themselves, providing

A future for the generations to come.


My grandfather John Marker died out in his 

Beloved fields where he plowed out a living for his

Wife and child and four granddaughters 

He was never to know.

How my heart fills with gratitude as I travel this land

This Nebraska

Home of my fathers

My mothers

My people. 






 I am back to posting on this blog after around 18 months. Since April is celebrated as Poetry Month, I have decided to start sharing my poems again. I recently began following Julia Cameron's practice of doing Morning Pages, which involves writing three handwritten notebook pages about anything that comes to one's mind. Since I started doing this, I have been writing at least one poem a day, and sometimes more. I will be sharing these poems here, and if you find something that resonates with you, feel free to leave a comment. Writing poems allows me to express the feelings of my heart and soul. This blog will be my space for sharing my poetry with you.

 

“I want to cry out like an angel: THERE IS AN ANSWER!”


 









 For the first 38 years of my life, I ate the wrong foods and too much of them….foods laden with sugar and flour. As a child, I started showing signs of this at about the age of eight and went on my first diet at age 11. Being born in 1951 there were not as many heavy children as there are now and I always felt different. I also picked up a few bad habits with other things in high school but gave those up when I joined the church at the age of 24 and was made aware of the Word of Wisdom. I just never paid much attention to the food part. When I received my Patriarchal Blessing a few months later and it read, “You have a Good Body. Keep it that way and you can through the reading of good books and the power of prayer,” I figured it was referring to diet books and was always looking for those “good books” that were going to help me maintain this “good body” that eventually got up to 225 pounds on a 5’4” frame!

Fast forward through years of dieting, binging, getting to my normal weight for five minutes, having five children and then in my late thirties I discovered a twelve-step program for “compulsive overeaters.” It was then that the rest of my journey began. I felt God had led me to a place where I could learn more of Him and turn to Him instead of to the food which was truly my “drug of choice.” This journey evolved as I recognized what I truly had was a food addiction and needed to give up sugar and flour and have a food plan, which I started doing in my late forties with another twelve-step program.

I am now 71 years old and have been free of the 100 extra pounds I carried on my body. I have been at a weight of 127 for 10 years now, and I’ve been sugar and flour free for 18 years. So, I felt pretty healthy. I had energy, although usually, I required an afternoon nap.  I didn’t have any obvious health problems thankfully, but I was eating 8 ounces of yogurt every morning for breakfast and 4 ounces of protein or 2 ounces of cheese at each meal. This was also augmented at each meal with 6 ounces of cooked and 6 ounces of raw vegetables and a couple of pieces of fruit; I never ate in between meals. I strictly adhered to this plan and experienced a great amount of spiritual, emotional, and physical recovery.

My husband and I had come across the book The China Study about ten years ago, and he began to make a few changes like giving up red meat. I considered it, but I didn’t feel ready even after reading the book and watching the documentary Forks over Knives. I mean, I took supplements, I ate healthily, I felt good, I was just fine, and loved my meat and my yogurt. I also complained about not having enough energy. When we went to serve our 18-month mission in 2016 in Germany my husband started eating red meat again, and I continued on my food plan with my yogurt and meat, never eating any beans at all. We had a friend in our ward who would not eat meat in the summer, only in winter because of the Word of Wisdom, part of only consuming meat in times of cold or famine. But I just never got on board with that.

Once home, I would make half-hearted attempts at meatless meals and even went three weeks with no meat once but always gave in with a juicy hamburger! The meats I chose for my protein were usually the ones with a lot of fat. I was impressed that my sister who had moved to Mexico started eating plant-based back in October of 2020, and she loved it! Finally, in January of 2022, my husband decided to give up red meat once again.  He and I both contracted Covid towards the end of the month (for the third time I might add), and our son who is vegan and lives in town brought us over a meal with sweet potatoes, chickpeas, and broccoli. I looked at those chickpeas and I thought…why am I not eating those on my salad instead of meat or cheese?? And the next day that is what I did, and I feel the Lord totally took away my desire for meat. It was not even anything I planned; it just became implanted in my heart and mind that this is what I needed to do for my health. I didn’t transition to just a few meatless meals or anything like that, just didn’t look back and gave it all up. However, I continued to eat my yogurt in the mornings and cheese a couple of times a week in my salads.

Then as I talked to others in my food program who were also plant-based I became aware of another documentary Eating You Alive and recognized the actual harm in dairy and decided to give that yogurt up in the morning and substitute nuts and seeds or tofu or soy milk. I did not care for the alternative yogurts as I felt they had too many processed items in them and not much protein.

The rather beautiful thing that has happened in this latter part of my journey is that I feel even more clear than before. I feel that I can hear the Spirit speak to me better and that I am doing just what the Lord would have me do. As I read the Word of Wisdom again I was struck with verse 19: “And thou shalt find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge even hidden treasures.” I was experiencing that!! I was understanding the scriptures better, and I was digesting them, feeling like truly feasting on them! I even noticed a new sensitivity to animals and a real pain in my heart at what they suffer because of the huge meat eaters in our society and the demand for more, and I felt so very grateful that I was not a part of that anymore. As I thought about the fact that even animals are to live up to the measure of their creation with joy, I knew that was certainly not true in this day and age when “evil and conspiring men” abuse them so badly simply so they can meet the demand and make more money. I’m sure it causes our Father in Heaven great pain at His beloved creatures being treated so.

I feel lighter and have even lost a few more pounds which feels quite good. As I see others my age or even younger suffering from chronic illness and disease, I just want to cry out like an angel: THERE IS AN ANSWER!! CHANGE THE WAY YOU ARE EATING! I will be forever grateful that I was able to give up animal products and move forward eating in the way that I know the Lord would have me and so many of His children eat. I have even experienced more neutrality around my food than before. It is simply medicine for my body. My food is delicious, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have to get excited about it. I would rather be excited about life and live it fully! Eating according to the way the Lord has set out in the Word of Wisdom is the answer. Is that any surprise?